ikka ta viiuldab

29 august 2007

Nendel tuimalt tuikavatel lootusetuse kellaaegadel kui magama minna pole enam peaaegu mõtet otsin ma kusagilt inimest, kes suudaks taas tõsta mu pulssi.
Sobib ka inimene, kes paneks mu nägema unesid lendamisest.
Kunagi ammu üks pani, varbad kullatolmused.
Ta tuba oli alati külm.

viiuldasin kell 03:37

28 august 2007

And yes, we drank and wept, at least inside, because it was a painfully sweet feeling to see each other's faces again together with the ones that make us sigh in our everyday lives. 'Look, that's her - she was so f...ing vampire!' and 'Oh she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!' (the last thing I told her as well - on the 4th of August during the night most memorable - she was completely drunk and rather touchy, which was... interesting - and she laughed at that as if she didn't believe me) and 'Look, LOOK, that's him there and there' and most of the time 'Oh my GOD look at my face!' (or belly or back or hair). Because we were funny on some occasions and that was making us so happy that it stung.
Some of us fell into beds in the end after 12 hours of celebrating our memories and in the morning I kissed Maiku good bye - I think, because I don't really remember the morning. I know we got up with Kati-Love and started to watch some movies and it turned out to be a movie-day, because we watched 'The House of the Flying Daggers' and 'The Lake House' and 'The Holiday' and we cried as if we were stupid, because they were all very love-centered, those movies. Hated it. So we drank the final rum and brought two more bottles of wine and suddenly had some new guests and a cat, which was just perfect.
In the end I got all depressed and sat on the window enjoying the smell of rain, but it was still a superb weekend full of adorable people in my new flat, lots of food (surprisingly) and good thoughts about.. things.
So I made a list in my head who should be the next ones to come over and see my view.
You coming, you small-town girl? No, first I'm going to take you out to eat on the first week of September.
Yes, that could be interesting.

viiuldasin kell 00:38

26 august 2007

Ma kujutlen…

… embust, läbi oimetute reaalsuste oma tsentrit vahetavat, ent öö jooksul ei hetkekski katkevat

… käsi ja jalgu, mis alateadlikult haaravad, hoiavad, põimuvad valimatult kehaosade ümber nagu soojad siledad kutsuva nahaga maod

… suudlust juhuslikku pööramisel põrkumisest tingitut – õlale, selgroole, pealaele, põsesarnale või kõrva taha

… ärkvelolekuta kindlat teadmist teise kõrval hingava keha olemasolust ja sellega üheks olemisest

… tingimusteta ja lähenemisnurkadeta sobimist teineteisesse nagu… toiduained koogitükis või muus magustoidus või kaks eri värvi jäätist…

Ma sulasin sinusse, see muutus mu olemise osaks – võib-olla sest et olen tantsija; võib-olla sest et eelkõige olen keha – hingav, tuksuv, nälgiv, puudutuste kaudu elav.

Ja äkki jään alati kordama ja nõnda tundma:

Jah, anduda võin üheks ööks ja oma üksinduses andungi – nad räägivad: ka see võib näida ülim – ja tean, et olen vaba kehalt ning ei karda teist ja ennast ei ihas ega alastuses, kui asjad nõnda kaugel juba on – ent see ei ole IIAL see, mis tunnen armastades, tundes, teades, tajudes ja anda, lõpmatuseni anda soovides sellega, kelle olen endale valinud kaaslaseks, et ta saaks…

… piiluda riietuskabiini oma heakskiidu või halvakspanu

… naerda või põlata mu purjakil jalaluid

… lõikuda sibulat mu salatitesse ja tunda hirmu nõudekuhila ees

… noomida muigel sui mu suhtlemisõudu ja keelduda kilbirollist

… väsida või mitte mu tantsujuttudest… mu tantsujuttudest

… või suures tülivoodis varmalt häälega mu peale peeretada, nii et naer me õhtutigedused lõhub

ja igal, IGAL viimasel kui õhtul aastaid järjest ükskõik kui kurnatuna otsida mu huulte ligikaudset lähedust, et soovida head ööd… ja veel paar korda… ja veel kolm.

Ja lahku minneski mind mitte nimepidi kutsuda, sest me ei teinud nii.

Kui rumal oli minust oma riided mulle naha sisse õmmelda. Ma jään nüüd vait.

24.08.2007 Illil kell 23:00-24:00

viiuldasin kell 06:29

24 august 2007

Ahjaa, ja minu celebrity face match'is oli mul kõige suurem sarnasusprotsent Christian Slateriga.

Ma võiksin olla õnnetu, ent ta on väga ilus mees.

viiuldasin kell 00:47

I know a dancer, Dancer, so young as if just been born in Dance, Her beauty unnoticed to Herself but so often wished with almost wrath-like emotions, Her dancing background geographically stupid, Her ambitions strangled by Her discontentment and vice versa.
I'm reading Her, You know, and my mind goes wondering in peculiar places.

Oh and I remembered Lari's words now standing in the hallway between night and leaving saying that it is so damn easy to fall in love with the person who is dancing. Or was it 'dancing very good'?

Ma mäletan kuidas ma ütlesin oma peas: "Jah, Lari, ma nägin sind Sighisoaras tantsimas esimesel õhtul, sellest piisas."
Nii et ma olin vait.

viiuldasin kell 00:35

23 august 2007

The paradoxes bug me. And I can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me. And on really romantic eavnings of Self I go salsa dancing with my confusion.

Waking Life (2001)

Kõik joonistatud inimesed nagu mingid tüübid, kohutavalt tuttavad, sain neile isegi nimed panna ja nad osutusid lõpuks ikkagi kellekski teiseks. Välja arvatud Hawke ja Delpy.
Niimoodi tüüpidena tundusid ka Rumeenia omad, ma mäletan. Ma ei olnud neid elus kohanud ja ei teadnud neist midagi ja ometi arvasin ma end ette kujutavat nende iseloome ja käitumisi ja vastuseid asjadele.
Constant deja vu.
Niimoodi kogume endale kategoriseeritud inimesi, kuigi esmapilgul arvatu pea kunagi hiljem ei kehti.

Aga seda filmi peaks iga endast lugupidav unenägude nägija vaatama.

viiuldasin kell 12:23

21 august 2007

I eat honey for breakfasts and dinners - soon I'll turn into a butterfly and have an opportunity to use my new window to go flying by nights.
I found some money today in my pocket, so I bought some tooth paste and instant noodles.

The 5th Harry Potter film was horrible, the director must have been a complete idiot, the actors did their best but hadn't really a chance. No-one needed the film anyway; they might just as well have skipped it because of the nothingness it was filled with.

It was incredibly liberating experience to buy over 2 kilos of candies from the ferry and then just start to destroy them together with Geisha on our way back. I shall consider it as one of the highlights of my Brilliant Summer.

I saw a list of cocktails today that made me wish for a huge amount of money. Otherwise I’m okay. Oh, will we drink and cry, my Estonian angels, if we meet in a few days? Because nothing else would let us forget what we lost when leaving Romanian fairy tales.

See? I’m starting again. Could someone please shut me up?

I put a picture of Š on my desktop and now I can’t hold back the shivering when I close all the windows.

How pathetic is that?

viiuldasin kell 20:29

16 august 2007

I think I died today. I was dead for 8 hours - missed my bus, my ferry, my family, my island.
I woke up at once and felt bad the same second.

---
Õhtul helistas J, hääl nii lähedal nagu räägiks ta Vanalinnast, ma ei suutnud äkki kõneainetki leida, aga seda polnud vaja - kõne katkes pea. On huvitav mõistada, millal me taas kohtume, kui üldse.
---

I found the Paradise the other day, by the way. It is in the center of Helsinki - a book store so huge that one could get lost in it, filled with thousands of shiny books that summoned me most teasingly like gold or beauty... I didn't dare to look inside a single one of them - I would have been doomed then. It reminded me of... you know, the persons who draw you to them like dreams, to whose eyes you could go swimming - and then drown into - and happily? Their voices are deep as honey and seem a little ancient...
I can not look at those kinds of people for long, I could never touch or kiss one, I know now - I met one lately.
You should not treat people as godlike statues, dieing inside every time you think of their beauty.

Then again, you should not force people to read your bad english.

viiuldasin kell 22:46

14 august 2007

Got home finally, and got naked and got incredibly sad.
I shall wait for him now, although he is never coming home again - and in three days there would be no home anyway, so there's nowhere to wait.
Which, I guess, is a good thing.

I was walking later on the street trying hard not to fall apart and cry again. I would like to just run from it, run from all the changes that will happen now and that came too quickly, even if I knew about them beforehand.
So I ran a little and it was good, it is always good.

The flat looked incredibly brown - I shall have no brown colors in my new home, I think. I shall have loads and loads of music he left to me, coming from the speakers he left to me, played by the cd player he left to me, probably reading the books he left to me.

YOU would become disoriented as well if the best thing in your life would go away.
You could probably not even imagine it, could you?

I feel so broken that it makes me sick - I really shouldn't be like this. From the pieces of something I call 'myself' my past is pouring out, it is flushing over the adventures and mental pictures I collected during this summer - which, by the way, has been utterly brilliant.

I know I feel different again tomorrow and totally different the day after, but because of all these... emotional islands between which I float every day it is very difficult to confirm who the 'I' is.

What is your name?
You couldn't pronounce it anyway.
Try me.
I'm Madli. Like Madly with and 'i'. Madli.
Madli.
Yes, exactly.
You see? I just pretend your accent.
Where are you from then?
Australia.
Australia? It is a long way from here.
Yep, it is. Do you live in Stockholm?
No, I'm not Swedish at all.
Oh! Where are YOU from then?
I'm from Estonia.
Estonia!!!........ You are becoming sexier by the minute.

viiuldasin kell 21:14

13 august 2007

Unustasin - istun praegu kuningalossi k6rval! Seda ei juhtu igapäev.
Ja loen raamatut trollidest.

viiuldasin kell 14:55

Olen ikka veel riigist väljas, peagi saab minekust kuu. Seesinane on hoopis pikkade inimeste maa ja nad vaatavad väga k6rgele.
Aga inimesed, kes suhtlevad, on koledamad, ent väga huvitavad.

Mu pulss pole nyyd yle nädala hiljem ikka veel alla läinud ning magama jäädes ja ärgates kordan Rumeenia nimesid.
Geisha on sellega harjunud.

Mul on raha väga otsas ja m6tted väga sassis.
V6i liiga selged, ma ei tea.

Täna magasin saaresadama pargipingil, nina tibutavasse taevasse, h6bepeeker vastu puusakonti surutud.

Nyyd tahaksin Väikest Maarjat näha.

viiuldasin kell 14:51

06 august 2007

Mu viimane 88 siin riigis, kuigi see pole mina ja see pole see aasta ja see pole see projekt.
Ma pean teile hiljem r22kima mustlastest.
Oodake, mu kaela suudeldakse praegu.

viiuldasin kell 01:02

02 august 2007

Rumeenia keelekeskkond (kolmek6ne tyrklastega):
- This Wurst is made of kitchen
- Nono, this Wurst is made by chicken

Samas j2lle r22givad peaaegu k6ik siin prantsuse, hispaania ja itaalia keelt.
Kella ei tunne MITTE KEEGI ja klassikaline rumeenia vastus igasugustele kysimustele on: "Mmmmm I don't know".
Galiitsia poiss j2llegi meenutab teatud Ruben R'i oma k6netempoga ja narrib meid jaapanlasteks. Ja hammustab v2ga k6vasti.

Ja mina oskan m66gav6itlust! Natuke, aga t2itsa tublilt, nii et pruunid lihased v2lguvad ja poisid vaatavad.
Ja Tikalt ei saa keegi pilke loomulikult.
Ja k6igil on nii pruunid silmad, et see hirmutab, aga yhel on heledad ja ta n2eb v2lja nagu hunt.

viiuldasin kell 15:58

Eesti tydrukud alati midagi teha tahtmas, naermas, laulmas, pidutsemas, jalutamas, tantsimas, tolmumas, kostyymides, ilusad, inglid, haldjate keskel, k6ik on nii ilusad - te ei usuks eales - see on ebareaalne ja fyysiline ja mittefyysiline.
Nelja p2eva p2rast l6pp.
I like you too much.

Sibiu kuumus.

viiuldasin kell 13:49

kujundas: maali